LIFE – Let It Flow Easy
As I sat down to pen down my journey on dealing with guilt – I realized that it takes years of practice to get to the stage where instead of feeling guilty, subconsciously one goes through an entire process of AOR which my Guru had taught me.
A- Acceptance of what is. This is about developing the approach – it is, what it is. The initial reaction to anything or any event which is not to our liking is first to label it as good or bad, right or wrong and the second is denial or internal protest. But, Acceptance as we practice it regularly, becomes all about letting go of wishful thinking, expectations, denial, judgement, and most importantly non-personalization. It is only when there is complete and total acceptance of whatever is, that we can go to the next step. Till that happens, we only contribute to our suffering. Just pause and think over, one can easily notice how non acceptance of even something extremely trivial contributes to our suffering ( e.g., coffee not brewed to our taste). The thing is that non acceptance is instant and creeps into our headspace even before we can catch it. This is where awareness becomes extremely important.
O – Options – Once there is complete and total acceptance of what is, only then we can use our mind to consider all the options that are before us. Since we live in this world of action, of cause and effect, so it is inevitable not to take action. But before we take any action, a trained mind will always think of the options before it. The options can then again be divided into three categories – 1) Can I simply drop the leash? 2) Do I take actions which are driven out of hope that something or someone will change. 3) Do I chose the action which comes from a space of ownership and responsibility – which basically means that I understand that I am the Master of my life. ( for a quick re-cap refer to the blog Ways to Live I and II. Ways to live – Part II | Welcome (letitfloweasy.com) )
R- Response – This is the third step. This is the step where we choose whether we are choosing to respond or react. This step comes in only after there is a state of Acceptance of what is, then choosing the options available and then finally taking the action i.e., exercising the option and waiting for the results.
When we start understanding the true essence of Karma / cause and effect, we understand that no matter what, emotional guilt has no place when it comes to truly experiencing life. The fructification of outcomes or consequences or the results we get is just a by-product of our actions (past or present) chosen out of awareness or ignorance. The reality of this life is that it is a summation of all kinds of experiences and moments – happy or sad, good or bad, positive or negative, highs or lows. And what brings us suffering is the attachment or aversion. However at the end of it we decide what to take away from it.
The word guilty originates from the word “gyltig” which meant “offending, delinquent, criminal – that who has committed some specified offense”. In today’s context it also means someone who feels ashamed, or having a feeling of remorse or wrong, whether real or imagined.
Looking at the definition, I realized that Guilt actually can be basically put in three boxes.
- Where someone does commit a wrongful act – cheating including lying, theft, physical harm.
- Where someone is recipient of the wrongful act and feels guilty for letting that happen to them.
- Emotional Guilt which is more imagined or projected / perceived, which is driven out of conditioned thought pattern which results in self -and makes one feel less perfect.
The problem with all three boxes of guilt is that it causes the maximum kind of mental and emotional suffering. It leads to shame, anxiety attacks, frustration, negativity eventually leading to lot of physical distress as well. The emotion of guilt takes one through a roller coaster ride. The first ride is Denial – we wish that the event did not happen. The Second is that one feels in-debt or feels the need to do penance (e.g., a friend dies in a car accident but the one behind the wheels escapes scratch free and is unable to forgive oneself for the rest of life). This third box goes much deeper into the realm of the subconscious mind and where one believes or is conditioned to think that the only way to redeem oneself is through self-punishment.
I am of the opinion, that we are taught to feel guilty or ashamed at a very young age. Very often parents, teachers, grandparents, and other close family relatives use harsh words “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for doing this?” or “you should feel ashamed for doing this.” And this kind of faulty upbringing is often guised under the wraps of discipline, for the idea is to make the child remorseful for their actions. Unfortunately, we carry this feeling of shame within throughout our lives without even realising. Very often parents ask me this – what’s the alternate if we have to discipline a child who lies? If a child has learnt to lie, then we as parents need to ask ourselves first – do we lie in front of the children? Do we make promises to children and then break them because of our engagements? Whether we justify it to ourselves as a white lie or justify the reasons for breaking our promises – the fact remains that a lie is a lie, breaking of a promise is a lie as far as the child is concerned. It is well known that children do not learn through words, they learn through imitation. So are parents, we need to be extra aware of our own actions. I feel that ultimately parenting is about letting the child know that every action has a consequence – and one has to learn to take the ownership and responsibility of their actions at the end. But the real question is – do we as adults, ourselves practice what we are trying to teach our children? Do we really walk the talk?
Coming back to the emotion- guilt – as I traced it back to its roots, I arrived at the conclusion that Guilt as an emotion, is fundamentally based on not having the ability to accept oneself, or constantly denying or fighting the situation one is in. Emotional guilt is an imagined or perceived emotion which makes us feel that we are not good enough and thus is a dysfunctional emotion. This dysfunctional emotion has its roots in this deep desire / thought to be accepted, approved, validated and liked. And thus, when we feel that our actions will not be approved by others, we label it as a rejection by others, feeling a sense of lack of love and under the garb of guilt or remorse we try seeking other people’s approval again. It’s a vicious circle and hence utterly dysfunctional.
The topic of self-acceptance, self-love is vast in itself and can be really understood as one becomes more aware to one’s own actions and reactions, patterns of emotional behaviour. And as we progress on our journey of self-awareness and self-love, and follow the approach of AOR, the grip that this dysfunctional emotion has over us starts to loosen. All we need to remember is that the more we feed our negative wolf, the bigger and stronger it grows ( for recap please refer to the blog Positive or Negative (Positive or negative | Welcome (letitfloweasy.com)). So count the blessings and let love flow instead of guilt.